Ask Aunt Granelda

Closing Shop

2006-08-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

Well Kiddos, I'm closing this blog down. Between my health and the sheer lack of "want to" I just can't make myself update it often enough to be interesting.

Besides, so many men, too little time.

I may check in once in a while, but I wouldn't go setting my watch by it if I were you.

Take care and stay out of the heat.
Aunt Granelda

Friends Don't Let Friends Vote Republican

2006-06-29T22:14:00.000-07:00

Lorraine, over at Me & the Cat, has posted something that'd I'd like to borrow. It gave me pause for thought and I think it should for a lot of people. Besides, Lorraine's my kind of gal, and I'd like you to meet her too! Pay her a little visit.

What You Need To Believe To Be A Republican:

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veteran benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's DUI felony record and his desertion from the Air National Guard is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

Been Gone, Now I'm Back

2006-06-17T16:53:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not warning you about my recent trip to my friend's home in Oxnard, but I didn't know I was going. She up and called one evening and told me in no uncertain terms that I was going to spend a few days with her, and I'm glad I did. We had a rip-roaring time. Talk about side-splitting laughter!

One evening we went to El Ranchito, a Mexican restaurant that I've gone to since the fifties. Outside of the higher prices on the menu it really hasn't changed in all this time. That's nice. We had a couple of Margaritas and had a great time. Then it was back to her condo, where we digested and laughed some more.

The whole trip was a whole lot of fun. Thanks, Margie!

Little Rascals

2006-06-10T11:05:00.000-07:00

I hate the first of the month, especially on the 3rd. Every month it's the same old thing. Social Security checks come (or are auto-deposited) and east Camarillo becomes a madhouse. Everywhere you go you're nearly run over by seniors in their scooter chairs. I'm not against seniors being more mobile as we age, but come on people, use some common sense. It stands to reason that if your drivers license was taken away because you can no longer manage wheels in public, you're going to pretty much be as dangerous driving a scooter too. I swear, Mission Oaks needs to invest in some scooter cops. Here are a few basic rules that need to be enforced:

Some seniors, although we're still able to get around on foot, don't move as fast as your scooter does. Don't assume that just because you're faster, you have the right-of-way.
You are not allowed to cut into a line just because you're driving a geriatric tank. This applies to lines at the bank, at the grocery store, and at the supermarket.
Please, for the love of Pete, don't decorate your scooter with pink maribou, Hello Kitty stickers or American flags. Nobody needs to be assaulted with these things.
If you put your darling little pooch in the basket, teach them not to bark when someone on foot passes by. They need to learn that able-bodied people do exist in the world.
If you've just taken a fistful of prescription drugs and go outside on your scooter, you are driving under the influence. Especially when you leave tire marks in someone's flower beds.
Small animals are not game. My Yorkie has the right to crap in her own front yard without you yelling at her while you zoom by.

These aren't so hard, are they?

A Comforting Offer

2006-06-06T07:25:00.000-07:00

I saw a commercial last night about a life insurance ~~scam~~ plan. Their ploy to get people to enroll is to offer a free "comfort massager".

Now that's a give-away that's worth some consideration.

Footnote

2006-06-03T11:56:00.000-07:00

I've been informed by some of my friends in the ceramics studio that word of this blog has gotten around certain circles here. Guess that means I'm going to have to start using fake names for people. Then again, what's the point of that? I'm not the kind of person to say something behind your back that I haven't already said to your face, and none of my friends will take offense. The only people who might have a problem with me are those rich bitches whose husbands had to die to escape one more day of their nagging and yammering. I know for a fact that one woman's QVC shopping did her man in, and another's plastic surgery bill is probably going to kill her husband. Having never been married, I see these things in a little different light I guess.

Hiram (not his real name) created a garden sculpture today that I liked. Just a foot. He said it was to remind him to "walk gently through life's garden." What a load of sappy horseshit. I told him it would make a great doorstop. My project is a French coffeebowl and matching saucer, but by the look of it, it'll probably wind up as a waterbowl for Colette.

Anyway, back to the blog thing. Don't expect me to softpedal my opinions here, ladies. I figure that if you don't like what I have to say, you can take me out of your bookmarks.

Judy Attack

2006-05-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

Judy came over a little bit ago, coffee cup in hand, to tell me that her heart throb, NBC weatherman Fritz Coleman, predicted a high of 75 for us today. Because we're old and anything can happen, we've exchanged house keys. When I gave her mine, I thought it was with the understanding that she'd only use it if I didn't answer the doorbell after the third or fourth ring. But Judy is one of those.

She burst in while I was in the bathroom putting on my robe, and she proceeded to go through the house calling my name, making Colette yap non-stop. As you can imagine, I didn't look too happy when I came out. But Judy is a Little Mary Sunshine in the morning (god I hate people like that) and she was all smiles when she began laying out my day for me. She probably killed her husband with her obnoxious early morning sunny disposition.

"I thought you needed to get outside, so I called Doris and told her we were going to kidnap you and take you down to the pool this afternoon. Fritz said it's supposed to get to 75 today. Can you believe how much better-looking he is now that he's turned grey? He was always so cute, now he's just a hunk!"

By this time I was standing at my coffeemaker pouring a cup for myself. I don't talk in the morning. Well, I guess I should say, I can't talk in the morning; not before my first cup of coffee anyway, so I couldn't form the words to remind her that I spent all Sunday outside at my kids' barbescrew.

"So get your swimsuit and a towel -- oh, and don't forget a bathing cap -- and we'll come for you at two. Be sure to eat!"

And then she was out the door, humming some stupid little tune to herself. Christ! It was only eight fricken o'clock in the morning! And now I'm sitting here wondering what the hell just happened here.

Goddamned Fritz Coleman.

The Leisure Village pool

The Spoils of Back Yard Cook-Outs

2006-05-29T13:34:00.000-07:00

I woke up with a doozie of a hangover this morning. At some point during the evening I switched from Miller to boxed wine. That was a big mistake! So today I've spent the day napping with Colette and channel surfing. Not much on TV.

But yesterday was actually kind of fun. My kids grilled enough meat to feed a small army and the rest of us brought the sides. My favorite was the devilled eggs. Too bad they give me such gas though. I pert near drove everyone away from the patio!

Well, back to the couch!

Summer Dreams

2006-05-28T02:25:00.000-07:00

Sweet Jesus, but doesn't this look inviting? Imagine...
Lying in a hammock all day...
Barechested natives all around...
Drinking out of coconut shells...
No telephone...
No neighbors...
No toilets to clog (hey, I'm not above squatting)...
No Leonard coming over (the old letch)...

Queing With the Kids

2006-05-28T01:08:00.000-07:00

This afternoon my kids are holding their first barbescrew of the summer. Oh, joy. I get to sit all day in the heat, swatting at mosquitos and eating weenies while the grandkids compete with each other to show off all those annoying things they learned during the school year. At least my kids know that I never attend any family get-together unless there's plenty of Miller in the cooler, and they prepare accordingly.

I know I shouldn't complain. Doris has no family to invite her to these things. Instead, she'll sit in air-conditioned luxury in her Lazy-Boy and nap while paint dries on HGTV. She'll have her box of Cheese-Its in one hand, her ~~Bitchin' Frisbee~~ Bichon Frise on her lap, and a pitcher of Margaritas on the end table beside her.

I like spending summer afternoons with Doris.

But the barbecue should be fun. Sounds like there'll be quite a few people there, and I was asked to bring my "special" baked beans. Special, my ass... Canned pork 'n beans, onions, and brown sugar. But my kids swear they're the best they've ever eaten, and that feels good. But not as good as when I break wind later at home after I take off my girdle.

Whatever you're doing today to celebrate the men and women who gave their lives for our country, enjoy yourselves, and be sure to wash it all down with a lot of beer.

Well, If This Don't Beat All

2006-05-27T21:18:00.000-07:00

Have you seen that commercial about the Playtex 18-hour bra? The one where the woman tells us what she can do in 18 hours? I'll tell you what you can do, honey. You can go out and buy yourself a different bra. That double-barrelled flooper-stopper you're wearing is butt ugly! You keep wearing that and you' ll be shopping for a new husband before too long.

Don't get me wrong. I've worn my fair share of Playtex bras in my long life, but unless you're hanging down around your aching knees, a much smaller, sexier bra would be a smarter choice for a young woman.

Come on Playtex. Today's ladies don't wear that shit. Get in step with the times!

Trying This Crapola Again

2006-05-27T12:51:00.000-07:00

I had a weblog a couple of years ago, but it didn't get a lot of traffic. Let's face it, most of the old geezers here at ~~Siezure~~ Leisure Village couldn't find a URL if they had their thumb up it. I know for a fact that some of the gals here have weblogs that they keep secret from their old men (if they haven't died yet), but I'm not talking.

"So what the hey. Let's give it another shot," I told myself. But this time it won't be a question and answer blog. You people out there on the internet ask some damned fool questions about boys in drag and dogs in heat, and I don't know much about that shit. Of course, if you want to ask me a question about life or love, or whatever else you have on your mind, go right ahead, but mostly I'm going to be pissing and moaning here.

Well, Doris just walked in. It's time for lunch at the clubhouse. Big stinking whoop. Creamed corn and cheese sandwiches.